just breathe

the tightening of my chest reminds me im human,
the twisting of my stomach tells me im real,

dont forget to breath my mind says to my lungs assuring me, this too will pass.

a drop of time and an ounce of my heart will scream in this vessel that i call my body.
id slam the doors and bust things but im only good at breaking hearts lately.

chills form on the top of arms reminding me that this is what happens for being who you are,
you could change, but it wouldnt be you, and change may alter the future of who you are to become,

and THAT is what eats at the core at me. What if change was exactly what I needed. What if change brought forth a better person.

However what if change were a temporary visitor only to be put on by me for a short period of time until that visitor was no longer welcome in my body.

Ive never been fake to the sake of being fake. Ive always kept it real because thats who I am. I know ill probably be a lonely man and what is wierd is that feeling does not scare me. I dont live my life needing anything more than what I already have.

I do however live my life wanting the things I dont have. Its such a paradox and Im in a parallel.

I can hear sirens passing by right now and it feels like they couldnt be more dead on to how my heart feels right now. “emergency, emergency” it screams out.

…and just like that, its gone.

…and dont forget to breathe it says. dont forget to breath or youll kill 2 people, not just one.

What my body doesnt realize is that maybe a part of me has died and my heart is in a vegetative state where it pumps and runs through its motions because. Just because.

Noone will ever know me like i know me. Well, thats not true, one person knows me like i know me. I mean, noone on earth, will ever know me like i know me, and please (hold back your “well duh” statements) because im saying this off the cuff and it has a deeper meaning than a surface value sentence. I mean it like… it may be my fault why noone will ever know me like I know me, but even if i was completely honest, i dont think anyone would ever believe me.

I guess im just so complex that a normal human to human love is something i feel i give strongly but when i get into a relationship with a person it changes. Not for the better either. I am built to love every human i come in contact with and i dont mean a physical love. I mean a mental emotional love to where I care about everyone more than myself. I wanna know how you felt when this happened, and i wanna know why you did that and i want to know what it felt like to lose your father and so on and so on. I wanna feel with you and for you. I am working on this because I believe I can completely give all of me to one person, or maybe its about finding the person who can love you, take your love and not ask for more than you can give at any given moment. Just being satisfied with who you both are in every moment you share.

I think it is possible and i think every situation and person is unique.